Holy Hunger

 St. Paul’s Episcopal Church,  Dedham, Massachusetts

The Rev. Nancy E. Gossling

John 6: 35, 41-51

Come Holy Spirit and feed our hungry hearts and fill our souls.    

Jesus said, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”

In FaceBook posts from colleagues recently, they questioned why St. Mark was interrupted by the gospel of John for five straight weeks, and how difficult it was to preach every Sunday about bread. Some colleagues responded with an answer. This is how, in a three year lectionary cycle, we can accommodate the four gospel messages. Others complained bitterly like the Israelites in the wilderness. Frankly I prefer St. Mark, a gospel which is filled with the fast paced action of our Savior. Instead, we seem to be caught in an endless cycle of Jesus talking ad nauseum about bread. 

 Truth be told, that is part of the reason why I preached on the letter to the Ephesians last week. And yet, I’ve stalled long enough. How do I offer some words about bread that haven’t gone stale for me over the years, I wondered; and then I remembered a book on my shelf called Holy Hunger. 

It was written by the Rev. Margaret Bullitt-Jonas who is a priest in the diocese of western Massachusetts. Her book, which was written over 20 years ago, is about a woman’s journey from food addiction to spiritual fulfillment. Her title reminded me of some very basic questions that I occasionally ask myself, especially in times of stress. What is eating at me? And what am I really hungry for? 

Now I am not a compulsive eater as Margaret discloses in her book. However, my family has known the challenges of addiction, and food addiction is an especially hard nut to crack. For those who seek recovery from substances, like alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, it’s a matter of finding help to quit; and then learning how to thrive without their drug of choice. Daily counsel includes admonitions like “don’t buy this or that and stay away from those who do.” Or more importantly, “Turn to your higher power for help.”

Addictions aren’t always substances, however. Processes, like gambling and compulsive overeating, can take over someone’s life and affect members of their families, churches, and organizations just as much as any substance. Recently accused of gambling for and against his own hockey team, an NFL player is facing bankruptcy, divorce, and the loss of his job and his house. Obsessions and addictions ultimately destroy people in ever-widening circles. But how do you “put down” food?

Underlying all of these problems, whether it be processes or substances, one can usually find some sort of fear lurking at the bottom of a person’s mental, emotional, and spiritual life. In healthy and unhealthy ways we all try to blot out scary things from our minds. We try to comfort our fears, numb our pain, and ease our anxieties. It's just when these things take over our lives, and become destructive and debilitating, that we have a problem. 

The pandemic has created a lot of strong feelings. We fear illness, hospitalization, and death. We fear losing people we love. We fear never being able to regain our lives the way they were before COVID 19 appeared on our doorsteps. We question every sign of disease and every person that might carry it. We have struggled with loneliness, anger, grief, and the emptiness of our lives as we’ve made adjustments to this “new normal.” 

“Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness” and they died, Jesus reminded the crowd that was complaining all around him. Perhaps common knowledge to many people and yet new to me, is the Hebrew word for manna, “man hu'', which translates “What is it?” What was this manna then and what is it now? And, if we eat it, will it help us cope with our fears? 

In her book called Bread of Angels, Barbara Brown Taylor claims that the Bedouins, who currently live in this part of the Sinai Desert, eat manna even today. She writes, “The flakes themselves come from plant lice that feed on the local tamarisk trees; and because the sap is poor in nitrogen, the bugs have to eat a lot of it in order to live. They excrete the extra in a yellowish-white flake or ball of juice that is rich in carbohydrates and sugars. It decays quickly and attracts ants, so a daily portion is the most anyone gathers.” (end quote) 

That was manna then, and that is manna now. So, is manna the providential miracle of God? Or is it just a scientific reality and easily explained as nothing more than that?

Food insecurity is a frequent topic of concern and conversation throughout our country and our world. There are many people who are never sure where their next meal will come from. They live on the edge of disease and death every day; and for some, dumpster diving is a temporary solution. It’s their manna in their wilderness. I once knew a homeless person who would go to the Dunkin Donuts trash bin every morning, knowing that he could find his daily bread there. 

Churches are known for providing healthy meals for the food insecure. Once again, many people know where to go at certain times of the day, assured that a good meal will be provided. On the Cape, a program entitled Food 4 Kids is a way in which the church provided bag lunches for children at summer camps. Without the meals provided by their schools during the summer recess, and even longer during the pandemic, these children were assured of at least one healthy meal every day.

Being hungry is no joke. Like our current vice-president, who was tasked with understanding the root causes of immigration, I have often wondered the same about food. What’s behind the reasons so many people are without food? And how do we address this systemic problem?  Then, while opening my refrigerator door and looking for some comfort food for myself, I ask, “So what exactly is eating at you?” and “For what do you really hunger?”

Thirty years ago, when my family was in the throes of addiction, and before my husband sought treatment for his disease of alcoholism, I attended a weekly Bible study with a few other parishioners. I remember the rector asking a question and a friend responding with this answer, “I can’t tell you what I think but I can tell you how I feel.” 

At that time I had no clue what she meant. I could not separate my thoughts from my feelings, and repressing my feelings of anger, fear, and sadness, was making me miserable. Then, through al-anon and 12 step spirituality, through Bible study and the support and love of my church community, I came to believe in miracles, in a power far greater, and higher, and deeper than my rational, scientific mind could comprehend. I learned that God provides us with daily bread, literally and metaphorically. I just needed to turn to that Source for my own health and salvation.

Now, I absolutely believe in the power of science and rational thinking but I’ve also discovered the power of emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity. Stinking thinking had dragged me down. I began to ask myself, “What exactly was eating me alive?” And I realized that it was my fears and concerns for the people that I loved. Then, “What exactly was I hungry for?” And Jesus replied, ““I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” 

Margaret Bullitt-Jonas talks about having food, and her compulsive eating, as a way to deny her own feelings of anger and fear and sadness. She desperately wanted to fill up the hole in her heart that was created by poor communication and addictive behavior. Longing for the love that could not be expressed by her human family, she stuffed her mouth with the “food that does not come from heaven.” It gave her temporary and yet unsatisfying relief; and then she found spiritual fulfillment in the bread of life. 

Like her, I speak of having a hole in my heart as well as a hole in my soul. Over time, through the love of God and others, I came to realize that God’s love can repair our hearts, and that the Holy Spirit can fill our souls. While I still hunger and thirst for many things, I have also come to believe that only God can sustain me for the long haul. I know that I need the bread of life and springs of living water every day.

Jesus knows how we human beings suffer. He knows how we lose ourselves in activities, in substances, and processes that will destroy pieces of ourselves, our families, and our communities. Yes, the material world is here today, and gone tomorrow, just like manna in the wilderness; and we also know that these things will not prevent us from the ultimate reality of death. And so Jesus reminds us repeatedly, indeed ad nauseum in the gospel of John, that there is another kind of daily bread that will satisfy us forever. 

Jesus said, “I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever.”  Remember your holy hunger every day. And then pray for that daily bread.